I let go of the need to want you. I let go of the need or want to have anything or anyone. All desire dissolves away and turns into dust as I fade and then come back to myself, once again. The mystery of it all consumes me as time passes. I look within, I see the truth, I feel it all, and then, I wonder.
I wonder about the ideas of love in all of its many forms. The love of places, of animals, of a feeling, a song, and the love of something so small and beautiful, it encompasses a feeling that can’t be expressed in words alone. I also feel the internal battle between the conditioning of the “old ways” of how love should be in partnership and how I feel and see things moving and transforming as we shift forwards into the new.
The desire inside of my heart to be with a “life partner” has definitely been there at times in my life, I can’t deny that, but I don’t find it so present anymore. I wonder if it’s even “normal” in our world these days to be so devoted and committed to one person for our whole lives… we shift and evolve so much as souls, I feel most people come and go in certain chapters of our lives and if we have the strength and courage to let go when it’s time, we can quickly grow with and from that. We often stay way too long out of fear. Fear of being alone.
I watch as others move through these beautiful partnerships that span across years. I have looked at them with curiosity and envy at times, will it ever align in my life, do I even want that deep down? At 35, I’m already in that bracket of, ‘hmmmm, kinda getting over the hill love’, but I know that’s old speak talking. Who said we had to meet the love of our life and marry in our twenties? From what I see, most that do, end up divorcing in their forties anyway. I know that’s a sweeping generalisation. I salute those that have stayed in marriages for years and years.
I see others desperately searching for “the one” when in fact the very act of doing so is most likely forcing it away. Just relax… everything is perfect and comes in divine time. Trust the timing of your life. Daily mantras :)
These days I see and hear about so many relationships ending, that I wonder if we’re even meant to be with one person forever. Disney what were you thinking? Happily ever after and forever got us all messed up inside with these expectations of perfection and love ‘til death do us part. And even though I see this is not a reality, there is still a part of me, in all my complexities, that would like to feel the depth of that love, that I know is there, to meet me. To meet me in all ways.
It is, after all, our innate nature as humans to want to connect; to be needed, to be wanted by another. I, for one, feel that I am one of the most romantic and tactile persons I know, I love touch, I love to be held and to hold, I just love love, I’m a sucker for love, ok I admit it, I’m a hopeless romantic deep down, my heart is so full it’s bursting with love… yet when I have opened myself deeply to another, as we evolve into the partnership, they’ve hurt me, or I start to feel suffocated, caged like a trapped bird, unable to open my wings fully and just be, free.
They say, “what you seek, is seeking you”, so surely there will come a time when I’m met, as an equal, where there is pure and honest love, and total freedom within that space for us both to be our fullest selves. For me, the ultimate is to be met by someone who allows you to keep growing, and you keep evolving and growing together, what a beautiful way to love. Unconditional love.
Sometimes relationships don’t even make sense to me anymore. Like, “hey you, stranger, you wana get together and just hang out and be friends and lovers forever?” Imagine it were that easy. I get lost in the dream of it all and then feel my need to be a butterfly, herein lays the paradox, I guess. And then I wonder, again... In Bali, I’m so over these “spiritual, enlightened” men who claim to be into tantra but actually just want to have sex, who are so inauthentic, it’s unreal, who want to be your lover, whilst also having 10 others at the same time, I cower away from them all. Each to their own, but that has never been for me, and never will be. Hence my long stints of celibacy in this place.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have, and probably always will, it’s who I am. I’ve poured my heart out to ones that didn’t receive me. I’ve pushed away the ones that actually really loved me, for me. Oh, that unrequited love thing. I’ve chased the wrong ones and the ones that have chased me I’ve run from. Human nature is a funny thing. I’ve had my heart broken so deeply that I’ve gone internal for months and hidden away to put all the pieces back together, swearing I’d never love another again. I know I have broken hearts too. It seems the more I grow, the more I feel. The more I surrender and open up, the more risk there is for hurt and pain; yet I will probably do it again and again, for love is beautiful when it comes from a pure place and not from a place of fear. I’m still learning, I’m only human after all.
I’ve lost myself so completely in loving another. I’ve given all my power away and devoted all of me to them. I’ve learnt some of my biggest lessons through loving another. I’ve had beautiful partners by my side that I walked away from because I needed to fly the nest and be free. Let me tell you, walking away from someone I’ve deeply loved and trusted is one of the hardest things I’ve done. But it was necessary. For me and for them.
I’ve also had partners that get drawn to my strength and my energy, they fall in love with these aspects, and then they become the very things that make them want to crush me. After the “honeymoon” phase fades and shit gets real they feel that I’m a threat and so they start to try and control me, manipulate me, project their fears onto me, as if they are my own, or I’m the crazy one. Yet, I’m the one loyal and devoted partner that ever showed up and stood by them. Fear sets in. I try my best to ease the pain and fix it, time and time again, until I’m pushed so far to the edge, spirit makes it so uncomfortable for me that I end up having to leave. I never wanted to leave. I was driven to it. My soul needed to breathe, to just be. I’m a free spirit, and a lover at heart… it it possible to have and be both?
After diving into all of my shadows and facing the truths of what I feel love is, or what it should be, the patterns I’ve played out, the beliefs I have around it, all of it… I have finally come to accept that I am alone, ultimately, we are all alone, and I am actually so ok with that. I don’t need or want anything from anyone. I am so happy to be present in every moment unfolding and open to whatever and whoever spirit wants to put in my path. If I am meant to be alone for the rest of my days, I accept that fully. Even though love is, of course, out there waiting to appear at the right time, who knows? I have an abundance of amazing friends and family in my life that my heart is so full already. The love I share with them is beyond, and the love I have for myself has outgrown any need for anything but that. Finally. I’m home.
What does love mean to you? Do you crave it? Do you run away from it? What is love anyway?