Recently we have been moving through times of deep introspection, and if you’ve been feeling it and had an awareness of it, you may well have experienced old patterns re-emerging, people surfacing from your past, and had a lot of reflections being mirrored to you through people and circumstances arising in your present.
I went through what one would call a “spiritual awakening”, as much as I cringe at that phrase, a few years ago. At the end of 2012 I just woke up one day and something had shifted and there was no going back. I opened up Pandora’s box and once she had opened there was no closing her again. I couldn’t reverse it and run back to “being asleep”. Once that level of awareness and consciousness awakens and becomes present within you, it just keeps on unraveling and unfolding.
There have been a few times over the years when I’ve voiced out, I’m done with the self-healing work, I don’t want to do any more. It’s like I go through one huge shift, break down old constructs and ways of being, thinking, feeling and then settle down into a calm stream before the next round kicks in and it’s time to dive even deeper. I realise it’s a constant flow of ups and downs and lessons, always learning as we go, as we grow. And I see that this work is required, to be in greater service to others.
It’s natural that we move through periods of confusion and wondering, after all, we are complex human beings with many facets. We are also the generation that are healing our ancestors traumas and our own past life wounds. In a healing session I received recently, it was shared that I am still holding onto trauma in my womb space from my ancestors. Of course this all makes sense to me. He got to my heart and said, “you have been hurt many times”, those words alone created the space for me to release and crumble. This brought on many more deep reflections for me… I realise I have been deeply hurt and betrayed by the masculine in my life and that stems right back into childhood and because I carry that with me, it has played out in my life, until now. And so on reflection, I thought to myself, what part of myself am I also hurting internally, what am I not seeing or hearing?
Many sisters have been reaching out to me, especially in recent months, to ask for advice on love, life & healing. They are filled with confusion, hurt, and pain. There is no clarity in what’s unfolding or what lies ahead. I’ve been spending a lot of time writing emails, on long phone conversations, countless messages, and now I’m having to work on my own boundaries. Oh wow, that’s a tough one, and a lesson in itself.
As a therapist, I do find it hard to say no and often give way too much of my time and energy to others. When there is an exchange involved it warrants what is given out, but often it is more an act of giving and not receiving. I have left myself completely depleted again and again. This has been one of my patterns throughout my life and requires work on my part. I can’t blame anyone else for this as I have created and allowed the space for this to happen. This plays out with family members, friends and in relationships. So I had to ask myself, what are the reflections here? Why do I feel the need to be there for everybody else all the time? Do I need to feel worthy? Do I need their love and attention in order to satisfy my worth? Will I seem selfish if I say no and take time for myself? Will I feel guilty? And if I don’t create the time for them, where does that leave me, will they still love me? Why do I need to feel their love? Perhaps I need to give it to myself?...well, of course!
One of the things I've been learning over recent times is that in taking care of myself, and nurturing me, loving me, I will in turn have that reflected back; when I’m embodying it fully. Until I’m fully living and breathing that way though, what I attract will essentially be the hidden and lost parts of myself. And the patterns will keep on repeating again and again. Until something shifts in me, nothing will change. If you want a different outcome, you've got to make different choices, right?
I also realised that I am able to freely give love out, so much love, however, struggle to be in a place of receiving. For me, that feels uncomfortable. I am so open hearted and wear my heart on my sleeve, but clearly have a block to receiving. I have therefore also attracted partners into my life who have mirrored this back, they also couldn’t receive my love, and before this awareness of myself, I tried even harder for them to feel me giving, my worth, my heart. Why don’t they receive my love? It’s because their wall matches my wall. Only I can make love feel safe, when I feel safe within myself. It’s nobody else’s job to satisfy the callings of my heart.
As I have these realisations, again I call in reflections, and sisters who are moving through heartbreak reach out and ask why? Why me? Why doesn’t he want me? Or, I'm confused, I don’t know what I want? And we can be so quick to blame the other and play victim, however, this is about self, about you…look in the mirror my loves, what is it reflecting back to you? You are the only one responsible for your life and the journey that unfolds in front of you.
This is the best advice I have right now.... he is your mirror. If he’s “letting you go”, it’s about both of you. Don’t take the “rejection” personally; however, do look at what feelings are arising in you and what this is reflecting back to you. For example, if you feel rejected, there is probably a part of you that you are rejecting. Those that reject you, are only showing you what you’re rejecting in yourself. I know that can be a hard pill to swallow because it’s making you look inside and go internal, but it’s true. And once you have the awareness of this and you’re able to work on that... see how the energy shifts.
If you feel like you’re not good enough for him/her, what part of yourself do you dismiss in yourself or see as unworthy? If he’s not committing to you, are you committing to yourself? If you find yourself fighting for their love, ask yourself why. If it’s true love, you shouldn’t have to prove yourself, question the love, or fight for it. If you are living in your truth and in full integrity, it should flow in perfect harmony. No doubts, no confusion, but crystal clear, and moving from an open heart space.
Ask yourself when confused, do I want to be with this person because I truly love them, or am I only staying because I’m fearful of being on my own or never meeting someone else? If you truly love them, you should also be able to be without them, because ultimately it’s about freedom, unconditional love & non-attachment. When someone walks away, trust this. Surrender to the outcome. If your heart is telling you to walk away, again, trust your heart, it won’t guide you wrong. I feel so many of you fighting, emotionally, holding on, the tightness of the grip will eventually break at some point. The more you let go, the more the energy will flow in the direction it needs to go. So trust in your journey and take the lessons with you. Trust that what you are calling in will appear when the time is right and it will be more in alignment with your truth. As Rumi says, "what you seek is seeking you." So drop all the fears... everything will unfold just as it should. Your higher self is in motion, surrender again.
For me, true love should allow you to feel in your fullest freedom and your heart should feel safe. It is not someone else’s responsibility to make you feel anything though. Don’t put the baton in someone else’s hand, it’s for you to carry and keep safe. It’s such a cliché to say, but ultimately you do have to love yourself first. So all that love you’ve so easily been giving out over the years, start bringing it back into your own heart. Self love! Divert the energy that’s been going outside of yourself, back into you. It’s time. Let your mantra be, I am love, and meditate to the beat of your own heart, feel the rhythms, connect, and be. That way, when you are full of love for yourself, you will only be met with love. We are always just met with reflections. It's science. And focus on and be grateful for what you have in your life, not what you don’t have, it’s two completely different energies. See how your world transforms.
I’ve heard of many break ups recently, know that we are moving through times of separation and it’s because deep inner self-healing is required. We must dig deep. The world is shifting and changing exponentially and we are being called to rise up. In order for us to sustain what is happening on a global level, the inner work must be done. We are matching our planet. She’s in turmoil, in essence, so are we. What have we been ignoring?
A dear and wise sister of mine, just wrote to me today, “this is a year for lightworkers to do deep planetary work, it’s all about timing, love is endless and boundless, and able to go beyond time and space, just do the inner work and keep the new energy coming in”. The shifting can be uncomfortable, trust me, I know. But it’s necessary and it’s happening. Move with it. Surrender. Trust. It’s all in perfect time.